Mom to Mom

Raising boys, penises and all

I had a brother growing up and about 50 male cousins. I wasn’t exactly the shrinking violet when it comes to the weaker sex as a kid. I saw them butt naked plenty of times and played in the mud holes growing up.

But when I had my boys, even I wasn’t prepared for them. Honestly, who ever is? Penises. What was I supposed to do with that? Circumcise or not to. Boogers. Oh God! What if my kids inherited my no-filter sarcastic mouth? They did, and then some.

I would like to think being on the scene for a few years, I’ve learned a few things.

Like:

  1. I’m even surprised at what comes out of my mouth.

Just recently, I was doing the dreaded laundry. Yes, I braved the spider’s den in the laundry room. Gray grabs the oldest, rattiest bra I own out of the basket. Now think this. This sucker doesn’t even offer support anymore, it only allows me to not create headlights when it’s cold.

He proceeds to grab one strap and slaps the slingshot between his legs with the other strap behind. Imagine trying to ride the bra.

My words: “Quit trying to use my bra to holster your nutsack.”

  1. Get something caught around the penis or get hit there, the world ends…

Well, it does. Around here, a straight up nut shot happens at least once a day. One of the boys will come screaming to me saying the other kicked them.

Like this one time in the grocery store. Rooty was sitting in the bottom of the buggy, and I wasn’t paying attention and dropped a small pack of hamburger meat in. The corner caught him straight. I really paid for those hamburgers that night.

  1. They don’t know how to aim.

Rooty is pretty good about aiming in the toilet. Gray, well, he’s improving? No amount of cheerios, blue liquid dish soap or hugs will keep that kid from spraying the toilet seat, the lid, the floor, the counter, the ceiling and somehow the bathroom mirror.

  1. Their junk becomes a big topic of conversation All. Of. The. Time.

It doesn’t matter if you’re home, at school, at the doctor. My sons will constantly talk about it and touch it.

  1. They ain’t gots no filter.

Calling a pregnant woman fat. Asking someone do they have a penis. Finding the oldest woman in the store and saying, “Hey baby, wanna fly tonight?” No idea on that one, but it happened. 

Until next time, live, laugh, and don’t forget the loves.

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